I have started to doubt that there is any progress. I have started to wonder if I am confusing some kind of personal/professional gestational process with actual inertia. I feel at a standstill and afraid that I am losing too much time, too much money, too much confidence to get going again.
I will always be poor. I will always be alone. I will always be possibility without production.
This little piece is what the I-Ching calls ‘indulging the ego,’ which is a bad thing. It is pointless to let fear and worry and striving take hold. Still, it can seem that worrying is at least doing something. If I maintain some level of angst, at least I am not blindly and blissfully pissing my life away. Right?
If you should read this (and I really hope you don’t), please don’t post encouraging ‘pep talk’ notes. I really do know that I am fine, that all is as it should be and will be all right. I just don’t feel it, especially today. Maybe that means tomorrow or the next there will be a breakthrough. ‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.’
For now, I am still waiting, cold and cramped, almost sure that I am dying, in the dark.