It’s not procrastination…
…but what is it?
See, I have this list of things I should get done:
- Figure out what to do when my car lease ends
- Sort through my clothes
- Get some new clothes
- Sort out the paperwork on that time that woman hit us in February
- Polish grandma’s silver
- Update my accounts
- Send last year’s holiday cards (they’re postcards, with AJ and my photo on them)
- Finish decorating my office
- Fill in AJ’s baby book
- …
And that list stays virtually the same. Week after week. Month after month. Yes, now, year after year.
It wasn’t always like this. I used to be quite capable of mapping out the projects, getting through them, staying on top of things. There was a period of months when my ex and I did nothing but remodel. 6:00 in the morning to night, every weekend. During graduate school, I maintained straight “A”s while working at a crisis intervention center at least 50 hours a week. I enjoyed that focus, being able to immerse myself in whatever had my attention.
Then, I had a kid.
And lost my mind.
Six weeks after AJ was born, I had a question for my OB. “Can you ask Kerry,” I said, as the receptionist scribbled on her message pad, “When AJ was born…” (more scribbling)”…did my brain come out with the placenta?” We had a good laugh about that. It still felt true.
I have realized since that my brain is still right where it was, in the space between my ears. It just doesn’t work the same.
Things take forever.
Like tonight, when it took me fully three hours to order a couple of things online. In my former strategic planning life, I would have allowed 30 minutes max for this task. These days, though, I know I am not so quick to map out the options and make a decision.
Of course, tonight, I was also doing several loads of laundry, having to repeatedly settle a little guy going through a growth spurt (read, antsy and exhausted at the same time), and watching back seasons of Peep Show on Hulu (no TV since 2005 = fun viewing to catch up on).
There just isn’t time for projects. The little guy gets off to bed and I am spent and a weekend project is not going to happen in a weekend.
Maybe not ever.
I am coming to terms with this. It is freeing. Things that need to get done do, somehow. The rest gets figured out. Or not.
And I am embracing my priorities. Like tonight, when my little squirmy monkey said, “No, mama, stay with me,” and pulled on my arm. I had so much to do but instead let him pull me down next to him and tell me about his plans to wow everyone with his new swimming goggles in the wading pool tomorrow.
Which might seem like procrastination but is really a new kind of focus that is at once expansive and even more single-minded than my former house remodeling, graduate-school acing self.
The silver, the closet, the box of photos and baby memories will all be there tomorrow, next week, in 2020. That story about the goggles, my little boy’s three year old dreams, will not.
Themocracy
great one Dove. But what is my excuse i don’t have a three year old. i think my excuse it learning a new culture still trying to settle in to Denmark three+ years later.
xxx
Love this post, Dove!
There will always be endless lists of things to get done but AJ will only be each precious age for just a short time. You’ve got the right perspective. Good on ya!
You are a great mom Dove and have your priorities in the right place. As you know, tasks will always be there and will get done. You can make your list and go back and do them. Memories have to be made or they won’t get done. You can’t make a list and go back and make what was missed. I balance this myself and I don’t have children.